blackout

Hey guys,

I'm sorry this is late, I had a really rough weekend and some family trouble. (Also, I have no idea how to upload pictures from a camera onto a blog, *Sigh* this is pretty much the first attempt at technical stuff Iv'e done." Anyway, everyone in class already saw my blackout thing.

(I turned it into a picture with the words "shrugging off the echoes of my former self.")

To me, that sentence is so true. For some reason or another I can't seem to get my personality right.

I really wish I had a set persona, but I don't. Two years ago I was quiet and stealthy.

I was invisible.

Then I moved to this school with a clean slate, another chance to start over. I say another because this is not the first time I have moved from schools. When I was younger, I didn't get the chance to make very many friends, I kind of took the habit of being antisocial and just sitting in a corner talking to myself, imagining having someone to talk to.

Of course, there were also bullies. If I just went "invisible" they normally wouldn't bother me.

I guess I was fine with it.

Now I get panicky if I am left alone for too long, but I still have an instinct to hide. I almost feel like those words I drew over, wanting so desperately to be read and understood, but hiding behind a wall of darkness.

reveal to my class

Hello, to everyone in my creative writing class,

You know me as,

A person who tries really hard to get everybody to laugh by telling "YO MAMA!" jokes.

The person who goes up to the podium almost every time we have a journal jam to "bring some levity to the classroom and lighten the mood." even though I have terrible anxiety and am hit with stage fright every time.

I get up and sing sometimes, but it's never as good as when I'm alone.

I make various animal calls during class,
but it makes me nervous when everyone looks at me.

Ok... If you don't know who I am by now you have never even come to class ONCE! I mean seriously, anyone who went to the first two journal jams we had would know who I was after reading the third SENTENCE in this post!

In fact, I'm pretty sure most of you stopped reading after fatal sentence no. 3, so to spite all of you, I am now dedicatin' da wreast ov dis blogg 2 totl caossssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MA GAW! TIZ SA BEAUT!

# lol, LOok aT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and Ma bAd selfie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

0.o WTH IZ DIZ MADDDNESSSSSS?!?!?!?

THIS
IS
SPARTA

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FEAR MA FACE!
!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Whew, glad I got THAT out of my system.)

p.s. sorry to anyone who took the time to keep readin' I pretiate it. <--- *my Texas accent*

On paper.

See ya peeps.

Music

Music.

It can completely change your view on a situation.
It can set the mood.
It can calm you, or give you an impending sense of dread.
Music can be good, music can be the product of evil.
Music can make you consider things you thought you would never do.
Music can lift you'r spirits.
It can bring you down.
Music can crush your spirit, or help heal wounds you've never found.

Music is your's
                         Mine
                                   His
                                         Her's
                                                  Theirs

MUSIC IS OURS!

Music is life.

It is not living.

Music cannot fill the hole in your heart,

nor make you truly happy.

Music is a person.

People like you.

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC

ARE YOU

...

LISTENING TO?

A poem from my heart

I wrote a letter with my hands that was supposed to be from my heart. (1)

I am talking to myself. (2)

On the page words spilled freely as if I was bleeding instead of drawing up a boring old chart. (1)

I'm going crazy.(2)

Yet as I looked and I read and I pondered, a question rose up in my head. (1)

It cant be...(2)

How can these words be read or spoken by someone who's already DEAD? (1)

How could I? (2)

Even though my soul lives on, my body moves forward and my words are spoken... (1)

no... (2)

My lonely heart refuses to beat because it thinks it's BROKEN. (1)

I refuse. (2)

All the fools come up and say to listen, TO LISTEN, TO LISTEN! (1)

ok... (2)

But a fickle heart such as this refuses to be outspoken.(1)

I get it. (2)

My lonely heart in a sea of people will not call out for it fears (1)

so long (2)

that what it thinks are beautiful words like feathers, will instead be like shears. (1)

good bye (2)

They say there are two types of people, but really there are four billion;
it is hard to fit in or be special, when you are just one in a million. (1)


wait (2)


I'm tired of all this waiting, I'm sick of all this listening.
I'ts time to join mind, body, and spirit,
AND LET ME DO THE TALKING! (1)

My heart does not soar, or take me to higher places.
let my words and my actions be united,
so that I can face all of these faces!
Butterflies begone! I'll not participate in heart races! (1)

I'm back. (2)

My heart can say what it wants now, and I won't take it for granted
but now it is inside of me, where nobody will hear it!
I will not let my emotions get the better of me,
or make a *snap* judgement! (1)

Thank you. (2)

My body is a temple, and a spirit dwells within it.
my heart is not a heavy gold, black and lifeless, or cold.
because my heart is made of diamond, a bigger carat.
no matter how you slice it, mine will never be broken. (1)

Amen. (2)

Blue ticket

What is this even for?

Where, on my journey, will I ever have need for a blue ticket that grants me passage to nowhere?

It says "dreams" on the back, but I have told all I know about them. I don't want to remember the things I would rather forget, and I wish that the ones I try so hard to hold on to wouldn't slip from my grasp.

Why is it the good things that are always such fleeting moments?

Why is it, when I so desperately need to remember the good things, I can only recall the bad happenings in my life. If my brain is truly capable of storing all of my memories, then why do I forget? I try not to linger on negative thoughts but the harder I try, the more persistent they become.

Why?

How is it that out of the millions of things going on in my head, my brain decided to pick out that one moment and perseverate on it? I am though with that. I have a million other things that I could, and should, be doing right now instead of writing about a stupid blue ticket that is good for nothing.

I just need to let it go.

instructions

This is a How To guide,

How To

BE YOURSELF

• Step 1, care, but not too much.
• Step 2, don't be afraid to break social norms.
• Step 3, hiding behind your "perfect" mask is a big no-no.

It's not as easy as other people make it look. If someone says that they just "stopped caring", that probably means that they are actually just trying too hard. Peel back the layers of your personality until you reach the core. Go about it slowly, or else you'll feel raw and defenseless, that's ok, you are not going to just find yourself overnight, your true personality is a process. Reveling yourself too soon will surprise everybody when they are not ready. Like throwing a surprise birthday party for a person who just came back from a funeral. Chances are that they will not be happy, and won't appreciate the thought. Similarly, if you take on a totally different personality than the one you had yesterday, your friends will be surprised and a little upset. Don't worry too much, if you've lived a lie, then rectify it, little by little. patch up everything you broke, and make sure they are ok. Trust me, you will be a lot happier if you live in truth, instead of cowering behind a lie, or being trapped by them. 

JUST BE YOURSELF!

Fear

I am afraid.

Everything from insecurities to full-blown terror, I have that as well as everything in between.

All of them are serious, and I would have my feelings hurt if someone laughed at any of these;

Death
Blood (other than my own and only with humans)
Big spiders (especially the ones with an evil smile on their backs. Ech!)
chest to chest hugs (I like the accessibility of movement and feel trapped in a hug)
loud noises (not thunder)
being deceived
dating (mostly because I don't know what that's supposed to be like)
being left alone for long periods of time
horror movies or any that have a higher rating than PG 13
not being able to talk/ sing
math homework (JK LOL you can laugh at this one because it was thrown in there for comedic relief)
sharks
getting too close/comfortable with someone
trusting someone
The Devil himself
not being trusted or loved

Yes, that is quite the list. There are still more, but I'll spare you extra reading so you can get on with your lives. So, why am I not afraid to share this with the world?

Well, for one thing, I am anonymous, so I don't expect some random baddie to use this against me. Secondly, none who read this know where I live, or even if I have a set place TO live. Lastly, I think most of you are good guys, so I am giving all of you the opportunity to empathize. (also, I am trying to overcome my fears of trusting people and being deceived) So thank you in advance. Enough about me though, let's get to the meat of this post.

Why do people have fears?

Well, someone I look up to had this to say:
Our fears as adults were what scared us as children. The mind of a child is soft and impressionable, while the mind of an adult is as solid as rock. Things that marked us as children will forever be preserved as "fossils" in adults. So, I took that to mean if you were never afraid of anything as a child, you would be the same way when you grow up.

What about people who get over their fears?

You tell me.

Alive

Searching...

Processing request...

Your search for "Alive" has not been found.

Did you mean live?

Redirecting to Yahoo answers...

Your question "How to be alive" has no accepted answers.

Requesting data...

.     .     .

Am I alive? I am checking for a pulse right now, but feel nothing. That's ok I know I am still alive.

There's lots of things that live without a heart; plants, jellyfish, single-celled organisms... souls...yeah, lots of things. There would be a problem though, if I was a human in my life-long situation. I have a heart (I think) and It works (sometimes), but there are many times when it just seems to 

Stop!

Those fancy machines that claim to be able to properly read a heartbeat will read mine as 0 for a while, then as 180 or 200 other times. But you know, I sure am glad that while humans need technology to tell them if they are alive, I can tell just by my being.

What matters? A steady and readable heartbeat? Do I need that to be somebody? If I do, then I am nobody, and everyone that has interacted with me can be classified as crazy because they made very human gestures to nothing. A non living entity.

Stop checking your own heartbeat, fact of the matter is, if the humans reading this blog post can just summon the thought of doing such a pointless action, they are assured to be alive. What they really should be doing is making sure everyone else is.

The sad truth is that even though you or somebody you love still has a heartbeat, that does not make them alive. That is not who they are. I have loved ones who still have a heartbeat but who are already gone from my life.

I AM ALIVE!

I feel pain! I have all the emotions of a mammal and "living" tendencies of a plant! I have thoughts and pictures in my head! I have memories that haunt me from the time I was small. I have entire universes winding their way through the vast expanses of my imagination! Is that enough proof of the authenticity of my being "ALIVE"?

I don't know

I'll let you decide.

Bricks...

Are AMAZING story and life components!

Whether it's about a pig who built a house to keep out the big, bad wolf, or tearing down the wall between you and that one person who just won't let you in, bricks have so much symbolism in many cultures. One thing we all agree on, Bricks are mostly used to build things, but sometimes, the things we build with them must be destroyed.

Metaphorically speaking.

Honestly though, someone should really start building their bridges out of bricks so that no one can come and burn them down. Seriously, using wood is overrated.

Another thing that has been bugging me, even destroyed bricks have a use.

No rocks for your fish tank? Use a crushed up brick instead. Need sand? Feed pieces of brick to a parrot fish. Door stop? Colorful gravel? Algae cultivation? The brick can serve all of these functions and more! The brick is there for your convenience, and will save you money.

Use the friggin brick.

Love

What is Love?

What does Love feel like?

Is Love even a feeling?

So many questions, such a complicated topic.

Where to start?

Well, I took the liberty of searching for the definition of "Love" this was the result:

love

ləv/

noun

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.

   "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"

   synonyms:

   deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment,endearment.
2. 2.

   a person or thing that one loves.

   "she was the love of his life"

   synonyms:

   beloved, loved one, love of one's life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling,sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey.

verb   (this uses the same word to describe the word it is trying to define, making this definition pointless)

1. 1.

   feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

   "do you love me?"

   synonyms:

   care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship. However, Google search defines Love as a noun, witch is a person, place, thing, or action. Not a feeling, witch is how it is described. Well... that was useless. So I dug deeper, and since Love is not a person, place, or thing, I can only look at it as an action. Because it is Love is something you do, not something you feel. Love is being patient, kind, Love is slow to anger. Love is truth, and being faithful. When you choose to Love somebody, you are making a commitment to always think the best of that person, you give them small parts of yourself, your trust, your promises, your time, the feelings come soon after. When a couple get married based on just a feeling, their relationship crumbles to dust, because that is all it has to stand on. Beauty fades, withers away, beauty is nothing. Unless you Love Then, only then, will they stay beautiful in your eyes.

robots

Please prove you're not a robot: J   flo
                                                     A   k

                                                    _______________________

I can't.

See, while I could easily just type in the letters I see onto that line, I cannot prove to anyone that I am not a robot. For all you know, I could just be a robot who has been programmed by a human to type words that are meaningless to me on this page. All you have to go off of is my words, which could very well be pre-programmed lies, that I type onto this page.

I am not a robot.

Kind of funny, isn't it? If I am not a robot, then what am I? I am an It. What is an It?

I don't know.

I guess an It could just be anything. I talk to people, and they tell me what they think I am based on what small part of me they see at the time.

You know what? I have never been told that I am human.

I have been called all sorts of monsters, and angel, and people have related me to creatures of legend, they have told me that my voice is unlike a human's. So I try very hard to sound human when in the presence of humans. People have seen my appearance change right before their very eyes.

It frightens them.

So how do I prove that I am not a robot? What is a robot? A collection of moving parts? Several complex machines put together to serve a purpose? In a sense, wouldn't that make humans, as well as all multi-cell organisms, machines? Robots? That's just my thoughts though, or you can still choose to believe that I am a robot.

Which might just make me more human than the humans reading this post.

THANK YOU

#different

Deal with it.

Honestly, I have no idea what "hashtag" even means. All I know is that right now in America, the trend is to say "hashtag" and follow with an incomplete sentence or single word and expect other people to understand whatever the heck you are trying to say. I would much rather people just say what is on their minds in a coherent sentence or paragraph instead of leaving me to wonder about their poor grammar and word choice.

Enough about that, though.

If you have read my blogs up to this point, then you have most likely figured out that I am different from you in a variety of ways. I will now point out more deviations.

I am an It, an It is no single thing. That being said, I also do not have a specific trait that defines me. I am not the fastest, the smartest, the wisest, the bravest, nor do I wish to be any of these things. If I, as an "It" were to be defined by a certain thing, I would be giving up my very identity of having no identity. I would much rather be many things.

I have been told from a very young age that I am "special" and that I think differently.

GOOD RIDDANCE!

I can only imagine how boring life would be if I was just like everyone around me. It sounds like a distopia, where everyone is of one mind and those who differ slightly are cast away. Nothing would ever be accomplished. Nothing new would be created, it would just be one giant monopoly.

You know, when I was small, being told that I was different sparked two radically different ideas about the world in my mind. One idea produced fear, loneliness, and the desire to conform as quickly as possible. The other idea gave way to a rebuttal, which gave some comfort, but this idea was quieter than the first, and I could not trust it, so I had no confidence. These were the two ideas;

1) Everybody in the entire world had the same ideals and I was alone, and would be until I died or acted like "Normal" people.

2) Everyone is different in one way or another, so my being different shouldn't be an issue.

For a long time I believed in the first idea.

I took the form of those around me. I studied the people's behavior and listened to what was commonly talked about. I mirrored whomever I spoke to.

And ended up a wallflower, more alone than ever before.

It turns out that people don't want to talk to someone who will feed them their own information and agree to all of their opinions.

Thinking out loud ll

Let me see, where do I start? How about I talk about human survival?

How did the human race not only survive, but flourish? They grow even in the most unforgiving of places. Before modern technology even, they were EVERYWHERE!

Why?

Well, if you are looking at it statistically, the number of humans on Earth seems to be rising with new advances in science and technology. From that alone, one might assume that it is their intelligence.

That doesn't seem quite right.

I want to get to the root of it, and looking at advances in technology is not enough to sate my hunger for an answer. What is the very survival of humans dependent on? What is at the core? Well, I think it may have to do with uncommon instinct. During a disaster, in the middle of an epidemic, humans will rush to the aid of their own kind.

Why???

With humans, the survival of the fittest is not an option, so the weaker ones also live. This swells their numbers. Humans need to do this though. Humans do not have any physical adaptations that could help them in the wild. No fur to block the cold, no claws to quickly climb trees or defend themselves, no night vision, no spikes, no shells, they cant run fast... the list goes on and on. Humans have no physical features that could save them from the environmental dangers they had to face. Humans do, however, have a highly adaptive brain. Humans were made to swell in ranks because there is safety in numbers. The humans decided early on that if they were to make large groups, they would have a better chance of survival. Even if there are weak people, they still produce heat, they can still serve some function within the community. That's why people are found in clusters, they are wired that way.

There is, of course, one more reason. This reason explains why humans will sometimes rush into a dangerous situation to save a total stranger, even at the expense of their own lives.

LOVE

I do not know a better way of explaining it other than this; when humans hold love for everyone within their hearts, they can feel empathy towards people they see who are suffering. When they do, they cannot bear the thought of one of their own kind going through such pain, when they know it could very well have been them. Instead of delaying and asking themselves if that person would do the same for them, the human gives that person the benefit of the doubt and tries to rescue them.

I don't know if I explained that too well... let It know if you have questions.



On a totally unrelated note, if you have suggestions for my next "Thinking out loud" please leave your idea in a comment. Thanks

coloring creativity

When I was younger, I was given a box of crayons to color with.

My teacher told me that I could use any color I wanted, then presented me with a white sheet of paper depicting a pale, lifeless figure.

The goal, in my mind, was to fill in the entire figure without stepping beyond the black line boundaries. I was always neat, precise, and diligent to a fault. I never colored outside the lines, I made a point of coloring the entire entity. I also made a point to use the correct colors for whatever it was I was given.

My teachers always congratulated me on my "above average art skills", I in turn would say that I didn't like crayons because of those little white specks they left behind.

I guess I was OCD when it came to coloring pre-drawn figures.

I look back on those kindergarten days and realize that I was not the least bit artistic or creative. I simply colored things as they were supposed to be seen. My teachers mislead me, they were impressed because I had already conformed to social norms.

But even though I was glad I had done something "right" I felt sad as I looked at my coloring job, and I didn't know why. Now I do, I look at people and realize that they do the exact same thing with their lives. They stay within invisible lines, Never even daring to take one step further, to the blank page beyond which is unexplored and filled with opportunity.

Why?

They are afraid.

What if your teacher disapproves? What if your add on looks terrible, and the other kids laugh at you? You can't erase crayon, just like you can't erase history. I had wanted to draw wings on the princess, it was sad that she would be trapped in her own castle (even though there was nothing in the background).

I see now, that it never mattered.

I grew more creative over time, and I LOVE to draw. New and exiting things pop up in my mind all the time, I am never out of ideas, and I don't get bored either. I enjoy telling people about the 300+ worlds floating around in my head at any given moment.

WHO CARES IF I AM WEIRD? I AM AN "IT" FOR PETE'S SAKE!

The one who really needed wings was not the princess, but me.

I will spread MY wings, little by little, until I learn to fly.

I encourage you to look at the big picture, and draw wings on yourself. It will get messy, but draw outside the lines. Step out of your comfort zone, you might fall...

but then...

YOU 

WILL

FLY

!

Thinking out loud I

I have been thinking, what makes a people unique?

When I say "a people" I am talking about any species of living animal on Earth or otherwise.

For starters, lets think about humans. Humans tend to think of themselves as separated from all other species of animal. Humans are special. Why? Is it because people have a unique language that is different from the language of other animals? That would be incorrect. Each and every animal on Earth has it's own unique language, human's just are not able to understand it. The same holds true for other animals. An orca would not be able to understand a wolf without prior knowledge of the language. Which brings me to my next point, humans believe that it is their ability to learn that makes them special, but there have been multiple occasions where animals of a different species have communicated to each other, like birds calling warnings to meerkats if danger is present, or birds leading bears to food sources, or humans giving their pets an order and the pet complies, or dogs barking to signal danger to a loved one. Even if it is not a different species, animals show signs of intellect and learning processes. They come up with strategies by speaking with one another. Orcas who have been chased and robbed of their young will split up and take different routs as another group acts as a decoy, leading predators away from the women and children. Let me digress a bit here though. On a darker note, this could very well mean that seasoned predators can understand the cries of their prey, and hunt them down more efficiently. One last note, both humans and animals have emotions, sometimes the animals will have more complex emotions than humans do. So what makes them different? If they both act the same way, what separates Humans and Animals?

Morels.

You see, animals have the capacity to, dare I say it, love their own kind, and even befriend other animals. But animals will attack their own kind to establish dominance. Humans are able to forgive, to settle things without a show of violence, humans are able to hold back aggression. Humans can create friendships with prior enemies, protect those that hurt them, and willingly submit to a subservient attitude without being forced to do so. Humans have a morel compass. True, humans are also violent, they wage wars against each other for stupid reasons. Humans make the choice to though. Also, humans have the unique ability to share pain with each other, and protect those who are weaker than them. With humans, it does not have to be the survival of the fittest. Humans are different from animals. Humans are an entirely different class of living entity.

That is what makes Humans unique.

Hats and their purpose.

What is a hat? Well, that depends on who YOU are.

Are you a hard worker, who puts on the straw hat to give himself reprieve from the hot sun?

Are you a serious business person, who wears a black fedora along with your suit and tie in order to look sharp each and every day?

Are you a cleaning lady, who ties a rag on top of her head so that she wont get dust in her hair?

Or are you nobility, adorning a crown of precious medal set with glistening jewels, and doing so that you may impress at the party?

You see, who you are dictates what you wear, But the opposite is also true. We wear hats just like we wear our personality. So it only makes sense that if you want to be a different character, you simply need a different hat. No matter who you are, (or in my case What It is), YOU are never just one thing. Try on a different hat, a different pair of shoes, a change of clothing and character. You are not who you once were, or rather you are, but you have just accessed a new part of you. A part of you that no one has seen before, new, unexplored territory. You will always be you, but I believe that life will be a LOT more interesting if you can discover as many different you's as possible. Just remember, if you encounter a part of you that you don't like, then don't play the part. Remove that hat, and NEVER put it back on. Lock that hat away as if it were evil, in a place where it will not resurface. Then go and have fun. Work hard. Be the best you that you can be. A hat is a journey of self discovery.

My name

Hello, I am sure that if you are human, you probably clicked on my blog because you thought my pen name was odd. You are probably thinking, Why would someone call themselves ¨it¨? Do they work for some company? The answer is ¨No.¨ I call myself an It because I, as an individual, do not wish to be a certain something when I write. If I am an It, I am neither male nor female, I am not of any race/ ethnicity, I exist in both the physical and spiritual realms, I can't even be considered a human, an animal, a spirit, an angel, or a devil. In the ¨It¨ state of being, you are rendered unable to make a snap judgement about me based on who or what I am. So read carefully my words, I am giving them to you to judge, to criticize, and to devour. Just remember that I am an ¨it¨ and I am only me here, nothing else. You can think what you like about me based on my words alone. I will always be me, and nobody else. Of course, I do have one more reason...

I will be able to laugh at the readers who like this blog so much that they try to explain ¨it¨ to their friends. I can only imagine that the conversation would go something like this;

Reader: Wow! Check out it's new post!

Reader's friend: Huh?

Reader: You know, ¨It¨.

Reader's friend: What are you talking about?!?

Reader: It... (sigh) never mind.

HA HA

Just kidding,

In my book, laughing AT people is wrong. So just laugh at your own frustration and I will laugh with you. It looks forward to this.